The Dancing Schlitz

I never thought it would happen... 

The great, white whale of Craig-ployment.  

WANTED:  A Schlitz beer bottle to ROCK OUT, outside a liquor store.

This was to be the ultimate Craig-ployment gig.  Both surreal and ridiculous, I giggled for weeks at the thought of this crown jewel in my Craig-ployment collection.  

A little background:  New business owner Jim, reported spending thousands of dollars on newspaper and radio ads when he opened his liquor store 8 months ago, with minimal payoff.  On a whim last Fall he employed a dancing beer bottle to entertain his homeward bound neighbors, and with it came months of positive feedback from new customers brought in by the spectacle.  With longer days and unseasonally beautiful weather, it was time to dust that Schlitz costume off.  (Enter, Craig-ployment)

The day finally came... 

Weather: 70 degrees and sunny

Soundtrack: Girl Talk's "All Day" Album

Tickled pink and amped to the max, I suited up in the back bathroom of the liquor store. Channeling the absolute fearless, no-shame, life embracing attitude of my mom, I headed out to work.

20 minutes in... I was out of breath and checking my watch.  "Fuck! How am I going to maintain this level of energy?  I have to do this for 3 hours?!".  

A Beer Bottle does... the Can-Can!  HA!

My first boost came when a woman, exiting a nearby shop approached me to report, "I don't know if you're bringing in new business for the liquor store, but you sure are entertaining the old guys in the cigar shop! Keep it up!". (I blew those oldies a kiss.) BOOST.

30 minutes later my crazy mom rolled up with a coworker to watch the spectacle and snap a few photos/laugh at me. BOOST.

And after 90 minutes of dancing my butt off, the traffic started to get a little heavier... my audience grew.  It grew to the point where cars were driving slowly enough past me, (sometimes standing next to me waiting for the light) that I began to interact with people.  BOOST.

You Go Girl!

It was the end of the work day, the weather was beautiful, and commuters got to watch a shameless beer bottle get her groove on.  I got thumbs up, beeps, and lots of "You go girl!", "I'd like to drink you!", and "Marry me!" every couple of minutes.  That was just what this dancing beer bottle needed to help push her energy level into the second half of the Craig-ployment commitment. BOOST.

Dear reader, I'm no stranger to dancing into the wee hours of the morning.  Believe me, 4 or 5 am came too soon most nights when I was living abroad.  But the ROCK OUT factor is different when you're the ONLY one in the "club", the "club" is in the daytime, the "club" is outside, and hundreds of sober, non-dancing people are studying YOUR rockin' moves from their anonymous vehicles. 

Soaked in sweat

To put it modestly, I sweat my ass off.  Online calorie counters estimate that I burned approximately 1,000 calories during my 3 hour boogie sesh.  The way I see it, I finally got paid to workout!  Okay, maybe it was only 30 bucks.  But do YOU get paid $30 when you go to the gym? NO.  And do you make other people's day when you workout?  NO.  And do people literally cheer you on when you dance on a Saturday night? DOUBT IT.  

Now, I bet you're thinking, "WAIT!  Is there a video?"  Why, yes, yes there is a video.  I now present to you... The Dancing Schlitz.  

Final analysis? I had fun.  I was totally and completely exhausted... but I had a great time.  Thankfully, my friends, and fans of Craig-ployment, Larissa and Jason joined to help count down the final 15 minutes, and then accompany their disgustingly sweaty friend to dinner.

Craig-ployment at its best, folks.

The White Whale of Craig-ployment

Featured Dance Moves

The Chicken Dance, Egyption Walk, Twist, The Electric Slide, Can-Can, Surfin' in the USA (is that the name of a dance move?), Disco, YMCA, Waltz, Jazz Hands, Two-step, Shimmy, Skank, The Carlton (Fresh Prince of Bel Air reference), The Butter churner, Raise the Roof, Shopping cart, Vouge, Funky Chicken, Macarena, Salsa, Grapevine, Irish jig, my own crazy creations.

Drag Queen Hooker

Drag Queen Hooker Recipe

DQH Duck Face!

Time needed: 4 hours

Ingredients:
1 Queen-y Aveda instructor
2 Fall make-up trends
8 Aveda make-up artists
8 Volunteer models (ME!)
1 pair, fake eyelashes
1 page, gold leaf
1 palate, purple eye shadow

Cooking Instructions:
Mix, no... BLEND and... TADA!!! You can turn any normal looking person into a Drag Queen Hooker.

Falsies and Gold Leaf!

Today I was Craig-ployed as a make-up model for the Aveda Institute in Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin.  Eight professional make-up artists from around Southeastern Wisconsin participated in an educational event featuring two new Fall make-up trends.  Practice makes perfect!  And I... was the practice.

What did I learn?  Nothing.  I still don't know shit about make-up.  

But it was fun, and I walked away with a sch-weet Aveda gift bag full of goodies, AND some hilarious entertainment for friends and family... until I spent 30 minutes removing it all.

The make-up removal process

The first look.  Sea Blossom eyes.  Geeeze.