Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Boobies!

BOOBIES!

I talk about this blog a lot with friends.  Many (most) chuckle along with my tales of encounters with crazies.  Some friends even consider for a moment that they might take a challenge on that I forward with the subject line, 'this could be perfect for you'!

Didn't get any takers with this one... 


lactating woman? (Minneapolis-Milwaukee)


Date: 2012-06-11, 12:27PM CDT
Reply to: jfzkb-3071052791@gigs.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


send a face picture and be under 35
can make it worth your time.
  • Location: Minneapolis-Milwaukee
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  • Compensation: yes
PostingID: 3071052791




And from one of my favorite You Tube-rs, Spricket24, a little education about breastfeeding.  
Informative, AND you get to look at her boobies. 


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Superheros Write Haikus

Thank you, Guest Bloggers and Craig-ployees, 

Adam Smet and Ben Butz!

Blog Entry by Adam Smet


Often frantic, I run around all day doing the art student thing.  (Cue superhero music and deep voice.) But when the opportunity arises to write a haiku I dodge into the nearest phone booth, (which are becoming hard to find these days) and rip off my clothes,  revealing an orange unitard with a big "5-7-5" on the front.  I whip out my tablet and get to haiku smithing.

THE GIG: Write an autobiographical haiku and submit it to 'The 555 Art Collective's collection of 111 haikus.  The winner receives $111.  

Responding on a whim to Yesh's Facebook solicitation to participate in a Craig-ployment gig,  I was shocked that my haiku was featured in the collection.  Mine was really just a prod at some friends and their lack of passion for haiku writing.

Ben's (another friend of Yesh's) on the other hand was both thoughtful and enjoyable.
Small man, odd musings 
Adventure looms in his heart 
he just needs to start.

Compared to mine....
Haikus are just weird. 
Wrote with bad attention span. 
Refrigerator. 

While neither of us won the grand prize, I continue to toy around with the haiku and find it quite enjoyable. Who knew syllables could be so much fun?!

In all honesty, I still have to clap everything out like in elementary school.  It's all kinds of fun watching me write them, as I'm told by my husband.  He giggles and tells me how "special" I look while speaking and clapping... in a unitard.


 The Craig-ployees
Adam. Enjoys Clapping.
Ben. Haiku Ninja.













From 'New Old School'

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Dating Myself

Guest Craig-ployment blogger, Robert Beets! 

Craig-ployment has given us a peek into the life of a free-spirited social exhibitionist. Her adventures continually provide lessons on humility and encourage us all to try new things. They've sure made an impression on me - possibly in the ways the author has intended - at least strongly enough to inspire me to snag a gig of my own.

And what humbling, adventure-seeking gig would I sign up for, you may be asking? Well a guy like me doesn't need lessons in humility - that's like painting the kettle black. So, as an adventurous, self-diagnosed introvert, I decided to talk with a few strangers about my online dating persona for a two-part communications study at UW-Madison.

I met their criteria: Madison area resident registered with an online dating service for at least one month. (Being a transient I made the case for "Like, what even is a home, man?")

I liked their sound scientific methods: Written personality test, in-person interview, and panel of anonymous judges evaluating your online portfolio. And their price: $30 for participation.

STEP 1: Self-evaluation survey from the comfort of my own bed? CHECK.

Stayed in my cocoon for the written portion of the study, satisfying my inner-introvert. Ninety minutes of questions like, "Do you consider yourself a mostly positive person?" and "Would others generally describe you as a jackass?" Duh, straight 5s homey - informing proctors they weren't about to trick this guinea pig.

The online form was a little exhausting, answering the same question nuanced four different ways, but hell, I was on the clock and I don't mind talking about myself. "Would you generally describe yourself as someone who loves online personality tests?" Why, yes, I am!

STEP 2: Mildly awkward, but ultimately entertaining interview about the accuracy of my dating profile? CHECK.

The interview took place in Nerd City (Madison, Wisconsin) in the bowels of Vilas Hall - a campus fortress built to withstand riots and a comical location to talk about the flowery subject at hand. Then again, online dating sites have approximately the same cache in our society; generally utilitarian, but hardly romantic.

I sat down with - we'll call him Miguel - a UW Comm Arts grad student in his fourth year, one more to go. Contemporary mating calls of the Great Lakes Homo sapiens were definitely not his primary focus, but it helped pay for tuition. I could relate.

Too much green?
We sat in the relatively homey accommodations of the lounge, equipped with a '70s couch and solid wood dining table - I'd guess it was maple. Miguel sat with his back to the door and I sat opposite him, starting the interview by rating how accurately I felt each section of my profile represented the “true me.” Again, 4s and 5s for accuracy across the board.

The questions were pretty straight forward, probing for the truth and how closely I stuck to it. I appraised my own profile, talked about how accurately others' profiles appeared at a glance, and how close they turned out to be for those I had met in person. Seemed like most people I interacted with were honest, but you kinda assume embellishment, rather than lying, is the weapon of choice when looking to attract a mate, in any setting.

And that was really the point of the study; where do online daters make compromises in truthfulness when managing the conflict between presenting ones self as an attractive mate and painting an accurate picture of self? An interesting concept, which I certainly pondered subconsciously when creating my OkCupid profile a few months back.

Online Dating Conundrum

Online dating, for men, is pretty much like any other playing field. There’s a bunch of dudes around and starting a meaningful conversation is difficult because most of the ladies don’t actually want to talk to you. Which ends up making you feel like one of those tropical birds creating an elaborate stage; neatly arranging just the right ratio of flower pedals to immaculate sticks like Niles Crane or Felix Unger, hoping a female stumbles into your lair, impressed with your handiwork.

And like traditional dating scenes, the name of the game is confidence. However showing that online without looking like an ass is considerably tougher. Screwed from the start I say! But you still have to play the game and keep up appearances, just in case the right gal wanders into your theater of almost truths.
For about 30 minutes Miguel followed his script, asking questions like, "What portions of a person's profile did you rely on most when deciding to contact someone?" and I'd try my darndest to answer truthfully by admitting looks factor heavily, followed by a woman’s “willingness to be real, unique and cool." Felt like a conversation with a counselor or, as much as I can imagine, a psychiatrist probing for clues about the nature of my dating agenda.

As the interview concluded and I gathered up my $30 cash (immediately spent on Rathskaller fare and Badger garb) I couldn't help but wonder what the judges would think about my profile. Maybe they would laugh, like the thousands of single Wisconsin women signed up for OkCupid doing just that.

But I guess it's human nature to wonder what others, especially of the desired gender, think about us. And really, where would any of us be if we couldn't learn to laugh at ourselves? Or at least other people’s dating profiles.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Real Estate/Real Dumb


My best, "Flash of Danger" face
While you've probably used Craigslist more than once and never had a problem, you most likely still have a flash of "danger" pass through your sub-conscious when you think about it.  Yes, that Milwaukee girl was tied up and tortured, and there are a shocking number of people who have used Craigslist to torture cats



But generally speaking, Craigslist represents the best parts of our society.  On the whole, we are delighted with the connections we make through the site.  We sell our stuff, find long lost loves, adventure and make the world a smaller, more sustainable place in our ever-more isolated society.


Throughout the lifetime of this project I've been asked several times if I've ever taken a "sketchy job". 

In retrospect, yes.

I WISH I had that pantsuit 
One of the first Craig-ployment jobs I took in 2007 was as an apartment rental manager.  Submitting only a brief cover letter and resume, I was invited over to the property-owner's home and promptly given a large box of keys to the apartments she owned.  Now let me be clear, there was no interview, and the keys she gave me? Keys to people's apartments! Real people! 


The Gig: Advertise (on Craigslist), book showings and show the apartments as often as possible to rent them out.  Every time I leased an apartment, I'd be paid $100. 

Let's think about this again.  
- No interview.
- No training.
- No background check.
- Real keys to real people's apartments. (with real pets)
- Give out my number to strangers.
- Meet said strangers from Craigslist in apartments... often alone.

What was I thinking?!

Thankfully, nothing bad happened. I had the pleasure of meeting some genuinely nice people as well as every FREAK who was apartment hunting.  It was as if all of the weirdos that you see at the DMV decided to look for a new apartment... at the same time.

I tolerated this gig for abouuuuut, 2 weeks.  In the end, I had spent about 50 hours trying to lease these overpriced, mediocre apartments and didn't. lease. a. single. one.
When I quit, the property owner felt bad for me and gave me $200, making my hourly wage a cool, $4.00. 

Did I survive, unharmed?  Yes. Ta da!
Was it worth it? Nope.


Dear Craig-ployment readers, whether you're out for a Craig-ployment gig, or selling your couch, be smart.  




While these connections could change your life for the better, tell a friend where you are, who you're with and check in when its over.


Craig-ployment, out.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Dancing Schlitz


I never thought it would happen... 
The great, white whale of Craig-ployment.  

WANTED:  A Schlitz beer bottle to ROCK OUT, outside a liquor store.

This was to be the ultimate Craig-ployment gig.  Both surreal and ridiculous, I giggled for weeks at the thought of this crown jewel in my Craig-ployment collection.  

A little background:  New business owner Jim, reported spending thousands of dollars on newspaper and radio ads when he opened his liquor store 8 months ago, with minimal payoff.  On a whim last Fall he employed a dancing beer bottle to entertain his homeward bound neighbors, and with it came months of positive feedback from new customers brought in by the spectacle.  With longer days and unseasonally beautiful weather, it was time to dust that Schlitz costume off.  (Enter, Craig-ployment)

The day finally came... 

Weather: 70 degrees and sunny
Soundtrack: Girl Talk's "All Day" Album

Tickled pink and amped to the max, I suited up in the back bathroom of the liquor store. Channeling the absolute fearless, no-shame, life embracing attitude of my mom, I headed out to work.

20 minutes in... I was out of breath and checking my watch.  "Fuck! How am I going to maintain this level of energy?  I have to do this for 3 hours?!".  

A Beer Bottle does... the Can-Can!  HA!
My first boost came when a woman, exiting a nearby shop approached me to report, "I don't know if you're bringing in new business for the liquor store, but you sure are entertaining the old guys in the cigar shop! Keep it up!". (I blew those oldies a kiss.) BOOST.

30 minutes later my crazy mom rolled up with a coworker to watch the spectacle and snap a few photos/laugh at me. BOOST.

And after 90 minutes of dancing my butt off, the traffic started to get a little heavier... my audience grew.  It grew to the point where cars were driving slowly enough past me, (sometimes standing next to me waiting for the light) that I began to interact with people.  BOOST.

You Go Girl!
It was the end of the work day, the weather was beautiful, and commuters got to watch a shameless beer bottle get her groove on.  I got thumbs up, beeps, and lots of "You go girl!", "I'd like to drink you!", and "Marry me!" every couple of minutes.  That was just what this dancing beer bottle needed to help push her energy level into the second half of the Craig-ployment commitment. BOOST.

Dear reader, I'm no stranger to dancing into the wee hours of the morning.  Believe me, 4 or 5 am came too soon most nights when I was living abroad.  But the ROCK OUT factor is different when you're the ONLY one in the "club", the "club" is in the daytime, the "club" is outside, and hundreds of sober, non-dancing people are studying YOUR rockin' moves from their anonymous vehicles. 

Soaked in sweat
To put it modestly, I sweat my ass off.  Online calorie counters estimate that I burned approximately 1,000 calories during my 3 hour boogie sesh.  The way I see it, I finally got paid to workout!  Okay, maybe it was only 30 bucks.  But do YOU get paid $30 when you go to the gym? NO.  And do you make other people's day when you workout?  NO.  And do people literally cheer you on when you dance on a Saturday night? DOUBT IT.  

Now, I bet you're thinking, "WAIT!  Is there a video?"  Why, yes, yes there is a video.  I now present to you... The Dancing Schlitz.  



Final analysis? I had fun.  I was totally and completely exhausted... but I had a great time.  Thankfully, my friends, and fans of Craig-ployment, Larissa and Jason joined to help count down the final 15 minutes, and then accompany their disgustingly sweaty friend to dinner.


Craig-ployment at its best, folks.

The White Whale of Craig-ployment


Featured Dance Moves
The Chicken Dance, Egyption Walk, Twist, The Electric Slide, Can-Can, Surfin' in the USA (is that the name of a dance move?), Disco, YMCA, Waltz, Jazz Hands, Two-step, Shimmy, Skank, The Carlton (Fresh Prince of Bel Air reference), The Butter churner, Raise the Roof, Shopping cart, Vouge, Funky Chicken, Macarena, Salsa, Grapevine, Irish jig, my own crazy creations.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Drag Queen Hooker

Drag Queen Hooker Recipe

DQH Duck Face!
Time needed: 4 hours

Ingredients:
1 Queen-y Aveda instructor
2 Fall make-up trends
8 Aveda make-up artists
8 Volunteer models (ME!)
1 pair, fake eyelashes
1 page, gold leaf
1 palate, purple eye shadow

Cooking Instructions:
Mix, no... BLEND and... TADA!!! You can turn any normal looking person into a Drag Queen Hooker.

Falsies and Gold Leaf!
Today I was Craig-ployed as a make-up model for the Aveda Institute in Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin.  Eight professional make-up artists from around Southeastern Wisconsin participated in an educational event featuring two new Fall make-up trends.  Practice makes perfect!  And I... was the practice.

What did I learn?  Nothing.  I still don't know shit about make-up.  

But it was fun, and I walked away with a sch-weet Aveda gift bag full of goodies, AND some hilarious entertainment for friends and family... until I spent 30 minutes removing it all.
The make-up removal process
The first look.  Sea Blossom eyes.  Geeeze.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Pastiche, Hodge Podge, Mish-Mosh

So what's the deal?  Are you employing yourself through CL?
NO and YES

NO
While these gigs are indeed paid, this project is just for fun.  It's a way for me to satisfy my passions for adventure and storytelling, with a cash bonus.

YES
While I am in between stints living abroad, I am, from time to time, employed by a lovely french bistro in Bayview, Milwaukee, Pastiche Bistro.  (Originally, a craig-ployment gig, circa 2010.)

Pastiche is french for, "a little bit of this, a little bit of that".  
A pastiche is a hodge podge, a mish mosh, an olio.  
The name of this restaurant
(that so generously allows me to be a boomerang employee)
could not be a better reflection of my current life.

Several nights per week you'll find me behind the bar of this top-rated restaurant, chatting up fascinating Milwaukeeans and trying to keep up with the rapidly changing needs of customers and servers.  

Pastiche deliciousness
It's hard.  It's sometimes hard to meet the needs of charming, and not so charming customers in an ever changing, high volume work environment.

But it's fun.  
It's fun, pays well, I adore my coworkers, and if nothing else, it gives me an opportunity to practice 3 important life lessons.

1. A smile goes a long way.
2. Don't be afraid to ask for help - it wastes less time.
3. All you can do, is do your best.


Cheers to a pastiche life!